Serious (Sirius) Cupid
by smiles1116
Summary: Sirius plays cupid. Remus is not quite happy about it. An epic battle of Remus v Sirius inspired by Carrie Underwood's "Cupid's Got a Shotgun." Rated for slight language.


_I couldn't help writing this when the idea hit. Hope you enjoy it, darling! Strongly inspired by Carrie Underwood's "Cupid's Got a Shotgun"._

* * *

Sirius bunkers down behind the bushes with a smirk across his face. He sees Remus strolling toward the big tree on the grounds, eyes filled with the usual amount of mischief. He's made very sure to have Remus show up here at a certain time and to be here before his friend… especially since pretty little Clara always sits down here around this time. He waits rather patiently, considering his nature, for Remus to stop dead as he spies Clara reading beneath the tree. A wolfish grin crosses Sirius' face as he draws back a string, taking aim and letting loose an arrow… heading straight for Remus.

"ACK!" Remus yelps in surprise as he's hit directly in the rear. He reaches around and tugs the assault weapon off, looking at it and glaring. "SIRIUS BLACK!"

Clara looks up from her book with a puzzled expression, and upon seeing Remus so near, she flushes and quickly hides her face behind the thick novel. Sirius' barking laugh is easily heard across the small valley as he makes his escape, for the item in question is nothing other than a suction cup arrow with a heart on the end.

* * *

It doesn't end. No matter what he does, Sirius is always one step ahead of him, with those childish muggle darts he'd charmed to stick to any surface. Not only that, but it seems as if he'd memorized Clara's schedule and managed to manipulate Remus to _just_ the right location, several times a day.

_Oh, not THIS time!_ Remus thinks to himself with a faint smirk. _Oh no, the scholar WILL upstage the rule-breaker!_

Tucked in his back pocket is a small, rounded shield. It looks like an ordinary little disc, but Remus, being the clever little boy he is, has managed to find a repelling charm...

… specifically for those damn love darts, as Sirius has affectionately named them.

Remus doesn't know when Sirius plans to strike next, so he makes certain that he has the disk in his pocket at all times. He doesn't even notice when the attack begins… until he hears something hit the castle wall beside him. He glances to the side and smirks upon seeing the repelling spell has been a remarkable success. Knowing Sirius is probably wondering just how the hell he missed, Remus continues to walk, as if oblivious to the entire situation. He fully expects Sirius to shoot again, and the male doesn't disappoint. Upon the next love dart shot, Remus walks past the corner of the castle as he heads toward the greenhouse, and the dart veers to his left again…

… and hits Clara straight in the stomach. The girl squeals and drops her books, parchment, and scrolls, ink bottle shattering on the sidewalk; her eyes are wide with shock as her hands close around the shaft of the dart stuck to her stomach.

Remus looks to the side and gasps, rushing over to help. "Clara! A-are you alright?!"

"What the hell, Remus?! Why'd you throw this at me?" She tugs at the charmed device, trying to get it off.

"It wasn't me! It was Sirius!"

"… Right. And exactly where is he?" Remus blinks then sighs, realizing Sirius is around the corner and likely escaping.

"… I'm sorry, Clara. Can I carry your books and walk you to class?"

"… Fine. Just don't throw weird things at me anymore."

"I won't."

Remus mentally growls. _Damn you, Sirius…._

* * *

Sirius tosses the bow and remaining darts into his trunk before sitting back on the bed and scratching his head. Somehow Remus has managed to start deflecting the arrows, so now it's back to the drawing board.

_But what this time?_ Sirius wonders, continuing to ponder as he hops down and starts digging through his trunk. He goes through the muggle contraband lock section of his trunk again, wondering what he could use this time. Soon enough, a wolfish grin spreads across his face.

"Oh, these are _too_ perfect." He gleefully takes his new weapon of choice and locks the trunk, heading toward the Room of Requirement for some private time in his favorite workspace.

Clara sighs as she makes her way to the tall oak out in the valley again. For some reason, the Remus and Sirius duo have seemed to follow her everywhere just to distract her. It's already bad enough that she has a huge crush on Remus, and it's much worse than that because Sirius obviously knows it. But because they keep showing up everywhere, she just can't seem to keep her mind on her school work.

And for a bookworm like her, that really won't do.

A sudden crack rings out through the valley, followed quickly by a yelp. Being muggle-born, Clara is familiar enough with muggle inventions to know the sound of some sort of gun when she hears one. She looks around in worry before finding the source of the noise.

_Speak of the devils…_ Clara muses to herself as she hears a second shot ring out, followed quickly by a yelp she sees come from Remus' mouth. She watches Remus storm toward a bush, from which Sirius quickly flees, and as Remus takes off chasing him, she stares…

… for upon his bum rest two perfect pink heart-shaped spatters of paint.

* * *

Knowing full well he could be hit at any moment, Remus moves quickly down the path to the usual place. He had managed to borrow his other friend's special cloak much later the previous evening to go back out to the big tree in the valley. It had taken all his creativity and spell know-how, but he had done it. He was positive he now had a way to outsmart Sirius at his own childish game.

Ducking behind the tree, Remus smirks to himself. He's almost forgotten Clara will be here but easily shakes that off. No way would Sirius turn his attack on her. Of course, now that he thinks about it, Remus doesn't even know what started this war… or why. As he ponders, his distraction gives Sirius the opening he needs. A rain of pink heart paint bullets crashes down over Remus, who is hunkered down in his little foxhole.

"What the bloody hell?!"

Sirius gives his barking laugh in answer. "You didn't really think you could use James' cloak without me finding out about it, did you?!"

To Remus' displeasure, Sirius had not only learned of his previously-foolproof plan… but also foiled it… by setting a tree stand up in the oak's numerous branches. And now Remus' oversight was being exploited, new hearts appearing over his black robes every second.

"What is this, open season?!" Remus uses his wand to deflect a few of the paintballs as he readies his own modified muggle weapon: a water pistol. He lets loose his own volley. "Take that!"

Of course, Sirius wasn't without a new weapon, either. He pulls from his pocket a big red heart and gives that wicked wolfish grin. "LOVE GRENADE!"

Clara looks down at the war from atop the hill, Sirius in his high ground, Remus in his trench. She watches something fall, hit Remus, and cover him in red paint, which is quickly decorated by more pink hearts. She slowly shakes her head before turning and walking away from the chaos. "… Bloody idiots."

* * *

This childish game of Sirius' has gotten way out of hand.

Remus grimaces as he dives behind a bush. The hail of pink bullets has stopped for the moment, and all is quiet. He peers between the leaves before noticing a red dot on his chest. Knowing he's in Sirius' sights, he leaps up and rushes in the direction from which the dot is originating. Little does Sirius know, Remus has another surprise of his own. He has managed to multiply the little shields and expand their range to cover some types of Sirius' little love bullets.

It's not Kevlar, but it will do.

Remus loads up the magically modified muggle shotgun he had confiscated from Sirius' trunk and growls. His own shells are loaded up with a magically compressed goop that expands on contact. He plans to prove to his rival that he's a damn good shot by pinning Sirius to the tree with the goo and giving him a blast of his own love bullets at close range.

But of course distraction in the form of Clara walks behind him. She pauses and sighs. "Won't you two boys ever grow up?"

Remus straightens and clears his throat, though still looks utterly ridiculous between the red and pink paint hearts spattered across his school robes. "Clara, hello!"

Clara watches Sirius take advantage of Remus idiotically standing to appear above the bush, a flurry of new pink hearts appearing over Remus' back. "… Hello, Remus."

"Clara, I'd like to have dinner with you later, perhaps around six. We could meet at the base of the grand staircase." Remus sighs. "But first, you'll have to excuse my disappearance… because from now, Sirius is going to be running from ME!"

He turns and makes a mad dash to the tree with a war cry, and Sirius quickly scrambles down to run off toward the castle. Clara watches with a smile and shake of her head, then slowly follows them toward the castle. But she finds she can't be too upset with Sirius starting this ridiculous war game.

After all, she has a date tonight.


End file.
